Things I Have Learned from July

Thank goodness July is done with, not only was it hot, it also pretty much sucked the life out of me. I am still recovering and am exhausted and have a headache!

*Could that headache be from whacking yourself in the head with a ping-pong paddle?*

Err, maybe, but July still was crappy. But as the great sage says, “Learn from bad times!”

*Who exactly is this great sage?*

I can’t remember; I have a headache. Go away.

Well, here is a list of things I have learned:

1. Ford Taurus’s suck. I hate them. Pluralizing a word that ends with an "S" sucks also, I blame Ford for that as well.

2. Mercury Sables are the exact same car as the Ford Taurus, therefore, by default, it is awful as well.

3. Personalized license plates that only have you and your spouses’ initials on it irritate me. Seriously, are you that worried that your ’81 Ford Pinto is going to get stolen that you must know what your license number is at all times? Let me tell you how that conversation will go:

Pinto Owner: Officer! My car was stolen! I know the license number!

Officer: What kind of car was it?

Pinto Owner: It was an ’81 Pinto the plate reads-

Officer: No need! No need! We will merely do a three hundred yard radius search, I’m sure it will turn up.

(Ten minutes later)

Officer: We found your….umm…car.

Pinto Owner: Yay!! Did you catch the perp!

Officer: Yeah, but we let him go.

Pinto Owner: But I wanted to press charges!

Officer: There is no way that theft of an ’81 Pinto will stick, besides you have more important things to worry about.

Pinto Owner: Really? What?

Officer: You are being sued by the thief for loss of enjoyment of life after driving your Pinto for ten minutes.

See! That is what will happen, now go come up with something witty or please just attempt to make it through life with seven random numbers, you can do it, I hear there is a support group opening soon.

4. Viewings are terrible. Why is it that it is socially acceptable to chat amiably with someone while five feet to your left a dead person lies there, meanwhile you can’t even think of talking over a whisper in a library?

5. Really, viewings stink. We swear to everyone that the person in question is dead! Why else would we spend thousands of dollars on a casket and spend a Saturday afternoon inside when we could be playing golf? The stiff is stiff! Can’t we leave now?

6. Spring mattresses suck-

*I am beginning to notice a trend here, I know July wasn’t exactly a splendiferous month, but did everything suck?*

I slept on a mattress so hard I think it would have been softer to sleep on a piece of board. My back hurt, who thinks that hard mattresses are GOOD for your back?

7. Solitude is underrated. After enjoying over twenty hours by myself in a car, I realize that having time to think can really be good, you come up with remarkably witty Ford Pinto stories. Maybe I’ll share one of them sometime.

8. The Bob & Sheri radio show is the greatest thing to listen to while on a long trip, especially the podcast version that has all the commercials cut out and you can just listen to hours and hours of it, so wonderful.

9. Lists that do not make it to ten suck.

Fritz