The CPA – Part 1 – The 18 Second Upsell

While most know of my experience working with The CPA, I don’t think I have told the whole story, in its entirety, from beginning to end, leaving nothing out, completely. So I will now. I’m pretty sure that there will be some, err, impolite language in this post, but it was certainly a turning point in the relationship and should be chronicled correctly, but since I really have no idea what will come out until it has shot out into Microsoft Word, I will be as shocked and appalled as you all if it comes out, I swear.

This will be broken into smaller stories, after writing part of this story I am reminded that most people have the IQ of an acorn and would most likely forget the beginning by the time they reached the second paragraph.

I have been to hell. I’ve been to the depths of hades. I worked at a call center that took orders for products sold on TV. I have been “written up” for spending less than 18 seconds on average on an “upsell.” No joke.

What is an “upsell?” You may ask. It is a torture device designed to ensure that the idiots purchasing this product that they saw on TV are too stupid to figure out how to return the POS once they have received it.

Ooooo, you said “POS!”

That was merely a shout out to Brother #1. He who has every occurrence of Biblical cursing memorized. Hey, you have four and 8/9 kids, get a new hobby! But I digress.

I find it amusing that the sellers of TV products think so little of their customers that they are not just content so make all their money off impulse buys, but, they lie to customers about the “free” stuff they will get (just pay shipping and handling!), then they won’t allow their customers to finish their transaction, to PURCHASE the crap item until they have listened to some minimum wage paid dope on the phone read to them about other unrelated stuff they should buy, sometimes the upsells can take three minutes! And the people just take it!

Let’s pause for a moment here and recap the average customer of whom I wasted eight hours a day of my life talking to:

1. They impulsively purchase crap that they see on TV.
2. They actually watch infomercials. Really, if you find yourself regularly sitting around watching an infomercial it just might be a sign that your life is not heading in the direction it should. A drastic change should probably be made. Try robbing banks or college, either is a better solution.
   
3. They use credit cards. Therefore they most likely are buying “stuff they don’t need, with money they don’t have, to impress people they don’t really like.”
4. SET IT! AND FORGET IT!

Now let me tell you a little about what the company thought of its workers. There were red and green lights positioned in the call center rooms. When you worked there you weren’t entirely sure when you would leave. You might be scheduled to work 9:00 – 5:30, but if the red light was on, that meant you had to stay until the green light came on or until you had spent an extra half hour there. Yes, we had lights tell us when we were allowed to leave work. It seemed that every time the end of my shift approached the red light would turn on, ensuring that I would have to endure another half hour of moronic people not wanting to listen to upsells.

So that was where my life was when I went for an interview at a small CPA office. By small I mean there was The CPA and a part-time data entry person. The interview took about two hours and I really did quite well. Wife #1 called me in the middle of a shift to let me know that I got the job. I hung up my phone and quit immediately. The managers were happy for me. That is right, it was such a horrible place to work that even management didn’t like it.

I was in heaven, I had an accounting job again and I was leaving hell, only to come back one more time for my paycheck. Interesting note: I wasn’t allowed back in the building, but the paycheck was held by security, they didn’t want disgruntled workers coming back in, or happy ex-workers either. I can see it now:

Happy ex-worker: People! I have seen the light! There is a better world than this! Rise up! Over throw your oppressors! Turn on your superiors! Fight for freedom from the phone!

Sullen workers: We can’t! We have to spend at last 18 seconds on upsells!

Part 2 to follow.

Fritz

P.S. As I read over what I just wrote, I have to stand back and admire what I have done. That is some good frickin’ writing. In fact, as Brother #1 would say, “That is some good skubalon.” Fo sho!