Is an encore in the cards?

Well, here is the opening I used on Friday night. I thought it went rather poorly, but people keep coming up to me and telling me that they enjoyed it. I did a better job later when I was doing stuff more spur of the moment, but I really was suprised that this didn't go over well. I can generally tell if something is good or not, and I was pretty sure this was good! I guess I'll have to blame the audience for this one.

Fritz

* * * * * * * *

Good evening everyone, and welcome to the 1^st Annual SMI Christmas Party that features me. I felt so honored when I was asked to be the MC of this year’s Christmas party, and my gratitude to what’s her name for asking me can’t be put into words.

Anyway, I just have a list of people that we need to thank before we can get started. First of all, thank you to Barrack’s Catering who has cooked the food, thank you to Anna Pittenger and Abigail Coon who will be playing while we eat so that we won’t have to hear each other chewing, and a special thank you to Barb Lange for putting this all together, and last, but certainly not least, thank you to me.

When I agreed to be the MC for the party this year the outpouring of affection was incredible. “Not everyone will understand your humor.” “Don’t forget that there will be children there!” “Watch the things you say!” “Remember that the board will be there!”

Actually that last one was rather helpful, I had a list of embezzlement jokes all ready to use.

Seriously though, we like to have a good time at SMI, but it is clean, law abiding fun, the rumors of Dwayne Carr and myself having to spend a few nights in a Las Vegas jail were vastly overblown. We are much too old and mature to do something that would jeopardize our freedom, or jeopardize our right to go to use a private toilet.

I didn’t realize how old I was until last summer when I was in a friend’s wedding. I was the best man and so I would have to dance with the maid of honor. My friend told me not to get excited since she was twenty-eight years old.

“Wow!” I thought, “how ancient! Would I have to carry her cane for her or pick her up from the retirement home?”

Then I realized that I was 26 and after doing some higher math I realized that in two years I would be that decrepit 28 year old. It is humorous to me how each age group doesn’t think that they are old, it is the next age group that is the burden on society.

Many people in their twenties are pretty sure that they will have to have pacemakers put in when they turn 30, thirty somethings dread being “over the hill” at 40. I hear rumors that 40 year olds make sure that their wills are made out when they near 50.

What amuses the rest of us is that people in their 50s have launched a giant campaign trying to convince all of us that “life begins at 50.” It seems to me that we need to be careful that the abortionists don't get behind this slogan. Forget the whole argument about whether life begins at conception or birth, it begins at 50!

I can picture the conversation now, a woman going into a “doctor’s” office:

"Doctor, I need your assistance, I have a son in the 92nd trimester. He is about to turn 30 and I don't want to have to pay to have his pacemaker put in."