Ascending

Well, one reason I guess to write in a blog is so that people can get to know me better, the story I will relate might force you to change your opinion of me, but I doubt it. I’m sure most of those who know me have figured out the story, but the details are unknown, and I think it will stay that way.

I also want people to understand why I am where I am in my spiritual life. I could be so much farther along, but I was forced to hit a reset button and start all over at one point in my life. I will only tell you all this one detail, I swear I never did coke. :)

I also think that is is just a good story, it helps to be reminded of grace. And how honoring your parents can make an eternal difference.

As I was driving back from my friend’s wedding I thought about why we, my friend and I, believe so differently, why we have ended up so far apart, on opposite sides of the spiritual spectrum in fact. I think it comes down to one simple thing, respecting your parents. I remember he asked me why I still went to church, “You don’t have to do what your father tells you anymore, you are an adult!” He said.

I just ignored him. He wouldn’t understand since his relationship with his father was so different from mine. He rebelled, striking out, trying to get away. I feared disappointing my father. I always wanted him to be proud of me. I never wanted to hurt my parents, I knew telling them that I wasn’t going to go to church anymore would hurt them. So I went. I went and listened, while I didn’t really care, maybe didn’t even believe, the messages stilled seeped in. That is why I was able to be affected so greatly, have my life changed, my path reversed, at Cornerstone ‘97, by a simple message told by Sonny, lead singer of P.O.D.

I had descended deeper into, well, we shall just call it “stuff.” By 1997 “stuff” pretty much ruled my life, all I cared about was having fun. Cornerstone was something I had wanted to go to for a while, it seemed like it would be a good time, and so I decided to go.

We, my friend and I, went to Cornerstone filled with excitement. We looked forward to seeing Starflyer ’59, Disciple, Tourniquet, and P.O.D. At that time I was still living in Pennsylvania and the trip took about seventeen hours, we did stop more than we had to though.

Our hookup for some alcohol had fallen through, so we were heading there dry, we were quite unhappy about this fact, but it turns out that it was a very good thing. Several people were kicked out for having alcohol and I ‘m certain that we were stupid enough to have joined them if we had successfully gotten a stash.

Most of the time there was not really all that important, it was a good time, but unimportant. The P.O.D. show was different however.

The music was good, but the area was hot so I went to the back and sat in a wooden folding chair in the back area, along with some others who were tuckered out like I was. Sonny began to speak. He was no idiot; he knew that some there were not the ideal Cornerstone participant. I don’t quite remember what he said, but it made some sort of impression. They decided to have an informal Lord’s Supper (bad theology I know). I think that they only did a drink, no bread, and the drink was grape punch. Cheap grape punch. Punch that sold for fifty-nine cents at any grocery store. Punch that struck fear into me, at that moment I felt the weight of all my sins, I knew that the existence of God was not a fable passed down from generation to generation, that Christ really did have to die for me, or else I would die. I knew this and was terrified, how could I even think of drinking that grape punch that was to be used to signify the Lord’s Supper? I shrank back, feeling the peculiar sensation of sorrow inside me, the one I call “crying inside.” I wanted to be rescued, but was scared, I didn’t want God’s attention to fall on me; I didn’t want him to look at this wretch. Like Adam long ago, I hid.

I watched as a young woman walked towards me, holding a plastic jug of grape punch, she handed it to me and walked off. Time seemed to slow. It must have, how could all of this have happened if time had not paused, or at least relaxed a bit. As I took the cheap, plastic jug, I knew I had been seen. I could not hide. I had to choose, life or death, Christ or the world. Tears of joy in my eyes, for I knew that God knew me, saw what I was, and still offered His arms to me, I drank from the cheap, plastic jug. I felt cleansed as I drank, I felt forgiveness as I drank, I knew I was a changed person as I drank the cheap, too sweet grape punch.

The world looked different, I could see things I hadn’t before, I had truly felt close to God for the first time in my life. I couldn’t wait to see if my friend had had the same experience. He hadn’t, he had left, and he was sitting with a group of people who had grown bored with the “sermon” as well.

Had he chosen death or had he not even realized that a choice was being offered to him?

I wish I could say that I put away all the “stuff” at that point, but sanctification is a slow, never ending process, but at that point I ceased to descend. I started to ascend, to rise higher than I ever had before, or even thought possible.

I still struggle with issues caused by the way I had lived my life, but I get better, I struggle on. I grow in wisdom and grace.

A few things: Just a note to all the strict reformed types out there, a reminder that good theology doesn’t save, grace does. The Lord’s Supper at a concert using only grape punch was one of the worst examples of theology I have seen in a Christian place, but God still used it, I am sure that I can’t be the only one who was pulled back that evening.

Of course, that is not an excuse to not have good theology, just make certain you treasure grace over creeds, and wisdom over knowledge.

I’m note sure that anyone has really known this story before, I was ashamed of what I had been, and I treasured this moment above most others, but what good is it if it is not shared?

I also realize that if I had not had to struggle with all these things, I would be farther along in my walk with God, I also realize that maybe some might not know what I had been through and wonder why I am dealing with a certain issue, one that they themselves either never had to deal with or had put behind them long ago. Well, here is the reason, I dug myself a pit, I wasn’t even merely treading water, and it takes a while to get out of deep pits.

Fritz