Is an encore in the cards?

Well, here is the opening I used on Friday night. I thought it went rather poorly, but people keep coming up to me and telling me that they enjoyed it. I did a better job later when I was doing stuff more spur of the moment, but I really was suprised that this didn't go over well. I can generally tell if something is good or not, and I was pretty sure this was good! I guess I'll have to blame the audience for this one.

Fritz

* * * * * * * *

Good evening everyone, and welcome to the 1^st Annual SMI Christmas Party that features me. I felt so honored when I was asked to be the MC of this year’s Christmas party, and my gratitude to what’s her name for asking me can’t be put into words.

Anyway, I just have a list of people that we need to thank before we can get started. First of all, thank you to Barrack’s Catering who has cooked the food, thank you to Anna Pittenger and Abigail Coon who will be playing while we eat so that we won’t have to hear each other chewing, and a special thank you to Barb Lange for putting this all together, and last, but certainly not least, thank you to me.

When I agreed to be the MC for the party this year the outpouring of affection was incredible. “Not everyone will understand your humor.” “Don’t forget that there will be children there!” “Watch the things you say!” “Remember that the board will be there!”

Actually that last one was rather helpful, I had a list of embezzlement jokes all ready to use.

Seriously though, we like to have a good time at SMI, but it is clean, law abiding fun, the rumors of Dwayne Carr and myself having to spend a few nights in a Las Vegas jail were vastly overblown. We are much too old and mature to do something that would jeopardize our freedom, or jeopardize our right to go to use a private toilet.

I didn’t realize how old I was until last summer when I was in a friend’s wedding. I was the best man and so I would have to dance with the maid of honor. My friend told me not to get excited since she was twenty-eight years old.

“Wow!” I thought, “how ancient! Would I have to carry her cane for her or pick her up from the retirement home?”

Then I realized that I was 26 and after doing some higher math I realized that in two years I would be that decrepit 28 year old. It is humorous to me how each age group doesn’t think that they are old, it is the next age group that is the burden on society.

Many people in their twenties are pretty sure that they will have to have pacemakers put in when they turn 30, thirty somethings dread being “over the hill” at 40. I hear rumors that 40 year olds make sure that their wills are made out when they near 50.

What amuses the rest of us is that people in their 50s have launched a giant campaign trying to convince all of us that “life begins at 50.” It seems to me that we need to be careful that the abortionists don't get behind this slogan. Forget the whole argument about whether life begins at conception or birth, it begins at 50!

I can picture the conversation now, a woman going into a “doctor’s” office:

"Doctor, I need your assistance, I have a son in the 92nd trimester. He is about to turn 30 and I don't want to have to pay to have his pacemaker put in."

With a Church like this, who needs an Anti-Christ?

Go read this, and read as many of the comments you can stand to read.


http://www.talk2action.org/story/2005/12/14/10845/314


Back from wretching? Good.


I am amazed that these people call themselves Christians. I have real problems with any baby killer (pro-choice) that calls themself a beliver in Christ. Not only do these people find abortion ok, they want there to be more "pro-choice" laws! One of the wonderful posters stated that when women get educated they have fewer children. My mother graduated from college and was rather well educated. She had five of us, you idiot.

Once again we come back to that whole critical thinking thing. I know it is hard, but once you realize that you are not really as smart as you think you are things get much easier. Just because you say that there is an overpopulation problem doesn't make it so. Show me some facts, facts like this one:

The entire population of the world can fit inside the state of Texas.

Imagine how much elbow room we would all have if we spread out across the whole country! Maybe we need to kill more babies until we can all fit inside Rhode Island. would you all be happy then?

I have an idea, why don't you all kill yourselves in order to give the rest of us a bit more room. It seems the only honorable thing to do, rather than kill defenseless babies, just off yourselves. That would solve two other problems as well, first we would no longer have to listen to your stupidity, and secondly we can actually find out if you are truly believers when you face the wrath of the holy Judge.


Fritz

Coach of the Year!

It is offical! JoPa is the Coach of the Year! I might be slightly biased, but that is the only selection that makes sense. Penn State was picked to finished 8th or 9th in the Big ten, not win it and end up 3rd overall in the entire country.

I can't wait for January 3rd when Penn State will demolish Florida State and prove to all the naysayers that Joe Paterno still has what it takes. He also knows what is important about student athletics. How many other Coaches have a library named after them?


Fritz

The Speech!

Tonight is the big night! I will be MCing the Christmas party where I work. I have to attempt to be funny, but not too over the top. But as all of you know who read this, over the top is what I do!

So it will be interesting to see how I do. I have prepared some stuff that I think is pretty doggone funny without being offensive to any weak-livered people that might be there.

The opening speech in its entirety will be posted here after the party for all to read and laugh, cry, and commiserate with all of us......or something like that.

Fritz

Advent of a Miracle

I love Christmas time, the time when we think about the fact that Christ left His throne, willingly, and lived in the flesh for 33 years.

I don’t think we realize what exactly that means, the High Holy Guy had a great sermon last Christmas Eve about what Christ went through on a daily basis in order to live amongst us.

Picture yourself living in your house, your house with no plumbing leaks, no drafts, a perfectly working furnace, all the water you need (cold AND hot). Picture yourself in that house with your family, with kids who never bicker, a spouse you always cherish, love and honor, and a vehicle that always works.

Got it?

No picture yourself leaving that idyllic circumstance and living in the Superdome during hurricane Katrina for the next 33 years. No running water, death surrounds you, murders, rapes, robberies occurring frequently, no real hope for the future, raw sewage floating around you, babies crying until they die of dehydration, no food, nothing….

For thirty-three years.

And that isn’t even close to what Jesus went through living in this sinful, evil world. I have a manger scene, it looks so cute, the shepherds with their sheep, the wisemen kneeling, and angel hovering, and Mary and Joseph sitting next to a wooden box with hay (probably dirty) in it, in which lays our Lord. Not such a beautiful scene, except for the fact that the salvation of the world was at hand. Our Lord left His glory and came to save us rotten, evil, degenerate, ungrateful sinners, who would later cancel church on the day we celebrate His birth.

I feel Christ’s love more easily at Christmas time, maybe because it is easier to remember that all the garbage I have to deal with on a daily basis, He dealt with worst, voluntarily, for me.

If everyone was perfect except for me, He still would have come and suffered, just for me. How wonderful! How awesome!

I actually cried as I wrote that, because His overwhelming love for a schmuck like me is almost too much to bear. I also thought about the ways that I repay that love, by turning my back on Him, by fighting against His will, by sinning, time and time and time again, yet for some reason, known only to Him, He stills loves me.

The true meaning of Christmas is that Christ expressed His unending love for us by living in our filth, by loving our wretched selves, by taking God’s wrath on Himself for us, by dying a criminal's death on a device of torture, by going to Hell for us. That beats any Xbox game under any tree.

Fritz

Heights of Hypocrisy

Some of the churches in the area aren’t going to be meeting for worship service in two weeks, the reason? It is Christmas! I wonder what exactly their bulletin states, how it is worded to remind the parishioners not to show up to church on that Sunday.

Reminders!

The Ladies Luncheon will be this Monday at 12:00

The Men’s Meeting will be Tuesday at 7:00 p.m.

The Celtic Kids will be gathering Thursday at 3:30 p.m.

In honor of our Lord’s birth, we will not be worshipping Him
on Christmas.

Is that how it looks? Is this the thinking of the pastor’s who will have to account for their flock before a Holy and Just God?

I would prefer the reminder to state:

In honor of our Lord’s birth, we will be spitting in His face and turning our backs on Him by not worshipping Him in the way He demands that we do. Merry Christmas!!

P.S. Since Easter will be on a Sunday this year, we will be canceling service that day as well so that families can celebrate Christ's resurrection by eating chocolate and eggs without having God's worship and praise for our salvation cut into the gluttony.

I saw a pastor on the local news stating that since Christmas is a family holiday his parishioners will be able to celebrate the Lord’s birth together as a family.

Hey, Moron! You hypocrite! We (the church) scream every year that Christmas is not about presents, it is not about Santa Claus, it is about Christ! How can you then cancel church and declare that family is the reason for Christmas? Haven’t you seen the signs that we love to display, crying out “Jesus is the Reason for the Season?”

At least, He is the reason until He interferes with our gift giving time. Why don’t we try a little critical thinking for a change? Why don’t we attempt to do what God wants us to do, rather than what is more convenient for you. Why don’t you remove you head from your err….. from the sand!

If Jesus truly is the reason for the season, then the gift giving times should be bumped or canceled in order to make room for worshipping Him! You have it all backwards, and thereby show the whole world what a massive hypocrite you are! By what you cancel you show what is truly important to you, by placing “gift time” over “God time” you show that the true reason of the season for you is to sit around a druidic symbol with an angel perched on top ripping open gifts while praying that there is a gift receipt enclosed.

On a positive note, I know one guy who is doing all the gift opening and dinners during the day on Christmas Eve, since he understands what should truly be rearranged, a local pastor is holding both morning and evening services because of the emergency personnel in his congregation who can’t make it to morning service, he is “sacrificing” his family time in order to make it easy for his flock to worship God on one of His 52 holiest days.

To the pastors who have spit in Christ’s face, I urge you to reconsider your foolishness and hypocrisy, remember that the Pharisees were the pastors of Israel when Jesus was born. They were called hypocrites and white washed tombs. They were told to flee from the wrath that is to come. They were called out time and again, and they failed time and again, then they ended up calling for the death of God’s Son.

Actions speak louder than words, you have decided to bow down to the altar of commercialism and greed, you bow down to the altar of secularism of atheism. You claim to love God with your mouths, but your hearts have turned away. One day you will have to answer to God why you canceled His worship, I fear that He will cancel your salvation.

Fritz

Sow a Thought

Sow a thought

Reap an action

Sow an action

Reap a habit

Sow a habit

Reap a destiny

---Drowning Machine by Tourniquet

*Yes, stop rubbing your eyes, there are indeed song lyrics here….*

I have been thinking about things that we watch, read, listen to, and say, even in jest. When we say things, like curse words, even in jest or in trying to make a point, I still think that we harden ourselves against saying crude things. When we listen to music that talks about how miserable life is, it can creep in to your mind that yes, in deed, this life is rather rotten.

I have cut down dramatically on the non-Christian music that I listen to, the main reason is that I spend so much time thinking about non-God issues (you all know what I mean by that, yes, yes, I know that God is involved in everything) that when I am listening to music it should point me towards God, towards what is good.

I used to work at the Humane Society and one of their big things they pushed was that animal abuse is very serious, most child abusers abused animals when they were younger, same goes for mass murderers. It does not happen over-night that you suddenly decide to beat you children to death and then go on a killing spree across the nation. Even with our hardened, despicable consciences we know to do such a thing is reprehensible.

We can agree on that, but then wonder why so many people in the church act the same way the world does. We steep ourselves in their culture, their music, we use their language and utter their curse words, then we wonder why we aren’t being lights to a dark world. Why we aren’t shining beacons for the lost? Why is Muslimism the fastest growing religion? Is it because it is so different from everything else?

Quick quote: “You notice that the most recent suicide bomber converted from Catholicism to the “religion of peace” BEFORE blowing herself up.”

If we want to be lights we can’t surround ourselves in darkness, if we want to draw the lost to us we need to be different. I remember a conversation in which the question of whether or not using crude and vulgar language was appropriate, I say no. I we talk like them, and listen to the same music as them, and watch the same movies as them, what is differentiating us from them? They won’t come to us because we drop “f-bombs” in sermons, they will not be in awe of our speaking abilities if we call Jesus “one bad mother----,” they won’t come crying for forgiveness if we call them pieces of (excrement), even if they are.

If we are to be different, we need to act it. Just as what comes out of us in influenced heavily by what we put in it, so our actions are influenced heavily by what we think about. Just as the song says, it starts out as a thought, before you know it you are mired in a destructive habit that now controls your destiny.

Fritz

Penn State and 49ers Update

Not too much to update here, Penn State won the Big Ten and will be playing in the Orange Bowl against Florida State. The two most winningest coaches in Division – 1 football ever facing each other. That will be pretty neat, especially when Penn State absolutely destroys Florida State.

JoePa Leads the Way to the Orange Bowl

As for the 49ers, they stink. They are awful, dreadful, terrible. They are as bad as the Packers, but without any expectations of being decent. They have been swept by the Arizona Cardinals, which is the worst franchise in NFL history. This week the 49ers play the division leading Seahawks who routed the Eagles on Monday Night Football last week 42 – 0. I really like the 49ers chances to lose, lose big in fact.

Fritz

The Joy of Socks

I wish I could wear socks to sleep. I wish I could get to slepp with the warming fabric wrapped around my freezing appendages. But I can’t, and so my feet freeze, and I do the foot-warming shuffle, placing one foot against my warm leg and then switching, attempting futilely to warm them up.

Wife #1 wears socks to bed, not just any socks, but thick warm socks that you could probably wear hunting in a marsh and you feet would stay warm, I envy that.

I just can’t do it, the feel of my feet against fabric rubbing on fabric is too much for me to handle, and so I suffer…..

Fritz

In Poor Taste?

As it turns out I will be the MC at this year’s Christmas party for where I work. When the news spread that I would be in front of the board, children, people with sensitive stomachs, I was deluged with reminders from people that I should watch what I said. Good advice I guess, but let me share a few jokes that didn’t make it into the final. You can tell me if they are in poor taste…..

One of the hardest things about growing up dirt poor and next to a funeral home was that no one wanted to visit. When no one came over to visit we didn’t get any “pity gifts” that we so readily accepted. The main problem from this was that we had no sleds, no toboggans, no way to slide down the hill except on our scrawny butts wearing jeans that were so worn we would get hypothermia in about 30 seconds.

So our solution was to raid the funeral home at night and grab a few bodies after rigor mortis had set it. If we tried really hard we could shape them a bit, making a seat for your sister out of a dead man’s arms is truly one of life’s unknown joys.

Now was that so bad? Maybe it was funnier in my head, and in person the presentation is much better… Let’s move on.

I’m not sure if you all heard about the crematory in Georgia that got busted for not actually torching the remains of their clients. They would instead dump the bodies in the lake out back and give the grieving relatives an urn filled with dust bunnies or what not. Anyway there was a big hubbub about this, and the place was shut down and the bodies were pulled out of the water….and then burned. I have tried igniting wet wood at times when camping and it is pretty rough, I can only imagine that a wet, dead person isn’t exactly going to flare up too fast.

Anyway, I got to thinking that instead of dredging up the bodies that were so ingloriously laid to rest in a lake, it could instead be used as a parenting tool. Imagine the possibilities when a little boy asks his mother why there are so many dead people at the bottom of the swimming hole.

“Mommy, why are there decaying bodies on the bottom of the lake?”

“Well, Timmy, those are the remains of those who didn’t wait an hour after eating before swimming!”

Now that is funny….

Fritz